How Working Parents Can Support One Another

How Working Parents Can Support One Another

by Stewart D. Friedman and Alyssa F. Westring - April 17, 2020

As working parents, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by our less-than-ideal options. We’re all hungry for inspiration, connection, and a genuine response during these uncertain times. Many working parents are turning to social media to share how they’re coping - from Pinterest-perfect home-schooling stations, to funny confessions (“We’re just letting the kids watch TV all day”), to the desperate query (“Is it wine time yet?”).

Now, more than ever, we need to be role models for each other. We’re living, striving, and working in an unprecedented time - and struggling, too - so we all need to support each other, be open and honest about our experiences, and be leaders in our workplaces, families, and communities. Drawing on the principles from our book, Parents Who Lead, we provide evidence-based recommendations - and a call to action - for how you can do so now.

Consciously embed your values into your new normal.

We are facing new choices about how we allocate our energy and attention now. It’s easy to get stuck in a reactive mindset, feeling like we are victims of these unfortunate circumstances. But those of us fortunate enough to have some freedom to choose what to focus on and when and how to do so should identify the values that are important to us and do our best to incorporate those values into our new normal.

Think about the values that you hold most dear, and bring your family into the conversation, too. Talk about what matters most. Then, consciously consider how you can create new routines that incorporate those values.

If you’re a family that values caring for the less fortunate, find ways to socially connect while physically distancing. Whether it’s sewing face masks, fostering a rescue pet as shelters close, going grocery shopping for an elderly neighbor, or drawing an inspirational message in sidewalk chalk, there are myriad ways to uplift those in need around us.

If you’re a family that values financial security, then talk with your children about how your work, now taking place at home, is essential for your family’s on-going safety and security.

If you’re a family that especially values health and fitness, explore opportunities for exercise indoors - whether it’s streaming yoga videos, running the stairs, or learning Tik Tok dance moves together.

Share more.

As you make values-driven choices, you can empower others to do the same. Explore how you can shine light on your new reality, even if you’re not normally the type to do so. Maybe you’ve shied away from social media in the past - maybe it’s time to revisit the idea of connecting with your community online. But, if that’s not really your speed, you can consider opening a bit more at the start of a conference call, at the dinner table, over Face Time, or any other time you connect remotely with people you care about.

Be vulnerable.

You have the power to be open about what’s going well during these times, but also where you are flailing, frustrated, and confused. Portraying an image of someone who is perfectly managing to keep up with all their work demands while also engaging fully with their children doesn’t just put a strain on you, it creates unrealistic expectations in others, and it reduces trust. Being vulnerable about the good, bad, and ugly empowers others to do the same. Especially in our work lives, many of us feel pressure to put on the façade of the “ideal worker,” endlessly devoted to career success. We hide the realities of parenthood from our colleagues for fear of being seen as less committed to our jobs.

To the extent that you can, consider how you might be more authentic about what your life looks like right now. While we’d never recommend doing something that would jeopardize your job, consider that being honest with coworkers about the challenges that you’re facing provides an opportunity for them to appreciate your contributions even more. And it may give them a greater sense of self-acceptance, as well.

This vulnerability may take many forms right now. It may mean excusing yourself from some work-related calls because your children’s needs take precedence. Or, it could simply mean choosing not to apologize if your children, pets, or household mess make an appearance during a conference call. It could mean apologizing to your children that you don’t have the time to help them or letting your friends know that your kids are playing video games all day. It might even include actively trying to destigmatize mental health challenges by sharing a sense of anxiety or telling a friend that your depression medication is keeping you going right now.

You don’t know how others are struggling. Hearing that you aren’t doing “perfectly” might just be the thing that helps them get through. Right now, while so many of us are in the same, perhaps leaky, boat, there may be an opportunity to explore the underside of the work/life integration puzzle with key stakeholders.

Experiment and iterate.

We’re all trying to figure this out and we will need to find unconventional solutions to do so. If you find a creative solution that works for your family, show it off (even if it’s a bit weird). Be a role model for finding new ways to do things, for leading change that’s sustainable because it works for all, not just you. You can share the experiments you’re trying as a work team, as a family, or as a community to inspire others to look beyond the status quo.

Try new ways of doing things and be willing to revise them or even scrap them altogether if they’re not working. Want to try making a family schedule for each day? Go for it…but if it ends up adding unneeded stress and guilt, try something different. Maybe a to-do list would work better. Or maybe it’s an opportunity to embrace a less structured lifestyle. Want to hide in a closet with a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door so you can get a few hours of uninterrupted work done? Try that too. But, if you’re not feeling it, working from a laptop on the couch next to your child might work better, even if it means your efficiency is slowed.

There are no precedents for this. As a role model, you can show others that you’re flexible and willing to find what works for you.

Bring others along with you. 

Encourage your colleagues, kids, friends, and family to share their successes and their failures. As a leader and role model, you can grow the leadership capacity of others. As a parent, you can help your kids learn how to become more effective leaders in their own right - demonstrating and communicating their values under difficult circumstances. As an employee, you can set the stage for on-going authentic, creative, and brave choices.

We will remember this as an extremely difficult time. As role models, we can hope to recall it, someday down the road, as a time when we stepped up in service of others - when we lived our values, embraced our flaws and vulnerability, and deepened our connections to those around us.

Stewart D. Friedman is an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School. He is the co-author of Parents Who Lead. For more, visit www.totalleadership.org, find him on Twitter @StewFriedman, or on LinkedIn.

Alyssa F. Westring is the Vincent de Paul Associate Professor of Management and Entrepreneurship at DePaul University’s Driehaus College of Business. She is the co-author of Parents Who Lead.  Follow her on Twitter at @alyssawestring.